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DISSERTATION

ON BECOMING MYSELF:

A LONGITUDINAL, MULTIMODAL AUTOETHNOGRAPHY ON THE RACIAL IDENTITY EXPERIENCE OF A MULTICULTURAL BLACK AMERICAN WOMAN (WITH MIXED-RACE ANCESTRY) LIVING THROUGH THE MYTH OF A COLORBLIND “POST-RACIAL” ERA

 

BEGIN HERE ▸
Preface
Acknowledgments
Prologue ▸
“Know Thyself, Know Others” ▸
Part 1: Family Memories, Ancestral Secrets and the Search for Identity
Part 2: Choosing Connections: Influence, Reflection, and Growth
Part 3: Beyond Labels and a Shift in Perspective
Part 4: The Journey Begins, Awakening and Transformation
Disclaimer
Statement of Artistic Intent ▸
A Girl, a Pen, and a World to Escape Into
Building a New Kind of Journey
Not Your Typical Guidepost: Gen Z in the Margins
Rules Were Meant to Breathe, Not Just to Break
If You Peel the Onion, What Do You Find?
This Story Isn’t Mine Alone, It’s Yours Too
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ▸
Background
Origin Story
Context of the Study ▸
“Becoming Myself” in the Perspective of Personal and National History ▸
Whiteness as Opportunity: Who Wouldn’t Want to be Able to Perform it?
Caveat: Another Awakening
“Black” History X
Interlude: A White Boy, Named Todd
“Becoming Myself” in the Perspective of Higher Education and a Changing Political Landscape ▸
Living Through the Myth of a Colorblind, “Post-racial” Era
Facing Ominous Predictions
Capturing Nuances
Racial Progress and Challenges
Statement of the Problem
Purpose of the Study ▸
Narrative Accessibility
Racial and Cultural Identity
Multivocality
Intersectionality
Longitudinality
Research Questions
Theoretical Framework ▸
Critical Race Theory in a Post-racial Era ▸
Learning CRT
Becoming Antiracist
Dealing with Racial Issues
Why CRT? ▸
Voice and Counternarrative
Racism as Normal
Interest Convergence
Race as a Social Construction
Intersectionality and Anti-Essentialism
Combating Colorblindness in Education with CRT
Significance of the Study ▸
Offer a Counternarrative
Use Language as a Point of Struggle
Host “the Conversation”
General Method
Limitations
Delimitations
CHAPTER 2: ‘LIT’ REVIEWS ▸
Why Race and Culture Still Matter
Race as a Societal Tool – Unity and Division ▸
Old-fashioned Racism ▸
The Purpose of Lynching
The Practice of Lynching
Colorblind Racism ▸
Interlude: CHESS MOVES
The Black “Exception”
Politics and Voting for the Devil
Interlude: INCOGNITO
Higher Education and Social Justice Advocacy
CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY ▸
Introduction ▸
Interlude: The Power in “I”
Reflecting on the Study of Self
Autoethnography as Method in the Study of Racial Identity Change ▸
The History of Autoethnography
The Autoethnographic Impulse ▸
Interlude: I Am “Black”
Unmasking Colorism in the African American Community
Expressing the Interiority of the “Quiet” Self
Revealing Cultural Knowledge as Lived Experience
Crafting “Selves” in Autoethnographic Writing
Embracing the Challenge of Vulnerability
Analytical and Evocative Autoethnography
Research Design
Data Collection ▸
Data Sources: Internal and External
The Assemblage of Self and Society
Data Analysis
Ethical Conundrums ▸
Personal and Cultural Risks
Relational Ethics
CHAPTER 4: FINDINGS AND ANALYSIS: BECOMING “WOKE” ▸
Nigrescence: The Identity Change Process ▸
Understanding Nigrescence
The Nigrescence Process: A Deepening of Racial-Cultural Consciousness
Change and the Embodiment of Nigrescence Theory in a Mythical Colorblind, “Post-racial” Era
Stages of Nigrescence ▸
Pre-encounter ▸
Theory and Analysis in Societal Context: Pre-encounter Phase, Colorblindness ▸
Understanding the pre-encounter stage
Colorblindness in the contemporary context
Historical and current perspectives
Colorblindness and pre-encounter assimilation
The role of educational institutions
The importance of narratives
Concluding thoughts
Personal Narratives, Reflections, and Analytical Insights: Pre-encounter Phase ▸
Vignette: Black and colorblind in the age of Obama
Analytical interlude: Pre-change identity—low racial salience and colorblindness
Reflective interlude: “I was one of them”
Encounter ▸
Theory and Analysis in Societal Context: Encounter Phase, Awakening to Reality ▸
The series of encounters that trigger change
The emotional and cognitive dissonance of racial awakening
Personal Narratives, Reflections, and Analytical Insights: Encounter Phase ▸
Vignette: You people
Vignette: The angry Black woman “be/in” side me
Vignette: The last straw – waking up to race
Immersion/Emersion ▸
Theory and Analysis in Societal Context: Immersion/Emersion Phase, Navigating the Transition ▸
The vortex of change: Intensity, struggle, and awakening
The vortex of psychological nigrescence – intense Black involvement and anti-White attitudes
Analytical interlude: Reevaluating whiteness – the psychological costs of immersion
Towards emersion—the breakdown of binary thinking
Personal Narratives, Reflections, and Analytical Insights: Immersion/Emersion Phase ▸
Poetic interlude: White Flight
Vignette: Entering the vortex and leaving the “ivory” tower
Vignette: “Blacker-than-thou” syndrome
Poetic interlude: The Sellout
Poetic interlude: Recycling the Drama
Poetic interlude: We Mean War
Vignette: The Confrontation Ritual
Vignette: Altruism and the Black Experience
Internalization ▸
Theory and Analysis in Societal Context: Internalization Phase, Embracing New Perspectives ▸
Internalization: Embracing new, nuanced perspectives
Living My Identity with Quiet Confidence
Resolution: The Calm After the Storm
Personal Narratives, Reflections, and Analytical Insights: Internalization Phase ▸
Vignette: The Secret of the Badge
Reflective Interlude: Power, Identity, and Loyalty in Internalization
Vignette: American History X
Poetic Interlude: Wake Up
Internalization Commitment ▸
Theory and Analysis in Societal Context: Internalization-Commitment, Catalysts for Change ▸
Catalysts for Change: From Identity Clarity to Outward Commitment
Choosing a Path: Monocultural, Bicultural, or Multicultural Orientation
My Multicultural Orientation: Building Bridges Across Diverse Identities
Writing as a Legacy: A Book as a Bridge for Understanding
The Life of Purpose – Carrying Commitment into the World
Personal Narratives, Reflections, and Analytical Insights: Internalization-Commitment Phase ▸
Poetic Interlude: “Good People”
Vignette: Ember – The Curious Wonder
Analytical Interlude: Autoethnography as Purpose
CHAPTER 5: REFLECTIONS, RECKONINGS, AND THE WORK OF BECOMING ▸
Framing Clarification: This Is Not a DEI Project
Discussion: Lessons Learned ▸
Is Race Really Divisive?
What’s Wrong With Politics?
Is the Country Really Becoming More Colorblind?
Is DEI Really Destructive?
Is Wokeness Really Bad?
Is CRT Really Useful?
Is Focusing on Racial Identity Really Needed?
Is Teaching Black History Still Important?
Telling the Whole Story: A Reckoning with Race and Culture in Higher Education ▸
What Can Educational Institutions Do Differently?
How Important is it to Gain Perspective in Order to Uncover the Truth About a Particular Situation?
How Can America Be Made Great Again?
What Can Be Done from an Academic Standpoint?
What’s the Problem for Black People?
What’s the Problem for White People?
How Can We Bridge These Divides?
How Do You Story People of Different Racial and Cultural Backgrounds?
How Do You Story Students of Color?
The Reward of Loyalty – Whatsoever a Man Sows
Never Judge a Book by its Cover
The Art of Forgiveness and the Second Coming
A Day of Reckoning ▸
To the Black Community
A Lesson from Every Race
A Call to Love
Love Is All
Implications for Higher Education Administrators
Implications for Practice: When Stories Teach Better Than Policy ▸
Higher Education Administrators
Faculty and Staff
Student Affairs Professionals
Offices of Inclusive Excellence
Faith-based Higher Education Leaders
Curriculum Developers
Gen Z and Black Students
Autoethnographers and Storytellers
Policy Makers
Conclusion: A Collective Calling
Recommendations for Future Research: Let the Work of Becoming Continue ▸
Becoming the Researcher: The Journey to Voice, Method, and Meaning
Tending the Fire: On the Cost of Truth and the Work of Becoming
To Tell and To Tremble: When the Method Becomes the Witness
The Faithfulness of Attention: Refusing to Look Away
Guiding Invitations for Autoethnographic Researchers
Sustaining Yourself in the Work
What Comes Next
Additional Note for Online Recommendations
CHAPTER 6: CONCLUSION: EPILOGUE ▸
“Never Judge a Book By its Cover” Lived Experience ▸
Living in the Limelight
Defying Stereotypes
Navigating Racial Dialogues
Making a Statement
Projecting the Right Image
Unleashing INFJ Superpowers
Embracing My Strengths
Taking a Break from the Norms
Revisiting the Past
Bearing the Burden of Brilliance
Revealing Real Character
Final Takeaways ▸
Creating Safe Spaces
Building Bridges with Empathy and Honesty
Lessons Learned: The Value of Authentic Dialogue
The Apology Protocol for Navigating Open Discussions
BEYOND THE DISSERTATION ▸
References
About the Author ▸
About This Project
About Me
More About Me
Even More About Me
I’m a Work of Art
Notes ▸
Research and the Rabbit Hole
Postscript ▸
To God Be the Glory
Site Prelude
underscored by “Do You Dare” by Rok Nardin
This audio sets the tone for the site.
Listen before you continue.

Waking Up to Truth

And if the truth should be told, back then, I too would have preferred to close my eyes and wake up in an altered reality—one where we could all live happily ever after, rather than being rudely awakened to the truth that our fairytale world was simply a myth. How much better it would have been to exist in this world free from stereotypes, prejudices, implicit biases, or hate, where ethno-racial consciousness led us to celebrate the beauty in our differences rather than discriminate because of them. Oh, how I longed for a utopia like this! For a world like that would have been infinitely better than waking up to the realities of race and culture, only to realize our cherished dreams were dreams even still.